Dil-Maange-More: ©Dil Maange More© The first rule of fight club is...

The first rule of fight club is...

... Be a good listener.

Arguments are inevitable even in the most perfect relationships. Even so, there are certain laxmanrekhas you just shouldn't cross. Here's what couples need to do to ensure their relationship doesn't rock each time they have a fight.

SITUATION 1: You are having a terrible time at work. Your job is on the line, and you often carry your foul office mood home. You end up snapping at your partner.

Why it happens: Stress at work takes a toll on relationships. With limited time in a day, a person is expected to jump between professional and personal roles without a break.

Never…Assume that you know all about your partner's job and dictate terms. Don't over-reacting or hyper about innocuous comments. Don't react even if he/she shoots off without reason.

Instead…Be a good listener. It's possible that he/she has some insecurities about the job. Encourage open communication without being judgemental. Just like you can be moody or disinterested sometimes, so can your partner.

SITUATION 2: Your hectic schedules leave little time for romance. You end up fighting the little time you spend together.

Why it happens: Time is the biggest casualty in modern relationships. In a span of 2-3 hours after you return from work, you need to have dinner, watch TV, spend time with the kids, have sex and pay attention to your spouse's grouses.

Never…Start discussing problems in the first 30 minutes after you return home. Don't bombard him/her with demands adding to the stress levels. The moment you get more aggressive, your partner goes on the defensive and a small argument snowballs into a huge fight. Never rake up the past; it is of no use.

Instead… Give your partner sufficient "cool down" time. Greet each other, relax with a cup of coffee or a drink. First share the pleasant news of the day before moving on to uncomfortable topics. Thus tempers won't flare even if you start discussing tricky issues.

SITUATION 3: You can't get along with your in-laws. You feel your partner is siding with them and feel angry at being snubbed.

Why it happens: Relatives often end up creating a rift between couples. They want to 'protect' their interests, but often cause more harm.

Never…Believe everything your mom or uncle tells you. Never assume things listening to just one side of the story. Never let relatives' accusations become ammunition in your fight with your partner. And do not insult your spouse's parents even if you don't agree with them.

Instead… Choose the right words. Say, "I respect your parents but…" instead of "Your parents have no business meddling…". Sure, your affairs are your own, but emphasising the fact aggressively might only pique your partner.

SITUATION 4: Your partner loves porn. You don't like it but he insists it's harmless.

Why it happens: Most men have a fascination for visual appeal. With hectic schedules affecting sex lives, men think nothing of viewing porn, especially when it's easily available.

Never…Make him feel like a pervert or terribly guilty for what he considers harmless fun. The more you nag, the more tempted he will be. Don't harp so much that it actually becomes a habit with him.

Instead… Wean him away gently. Make your displeasure clear without being overly critical.

THREE TIPS TO MINIMISE QUARRELS

• Earmark a specific day for discussions

Just like you have cleaning days or picnic days, mark out a mutually agreeable, stipulated time for arguments, even if it seems forced or unnatural. Have an agenda and thrash out the problems then. Decide on a time frame for the discussion. Stick to the schedule even if you haven't reached a solution.

• Try to use endearing terms even while quarrelling

Language is important. Never lose your temper so much that you end up abusing your partner. Instead, use words like 'dear', 'honey' etc as you try to get your point across. This gives the signal that despite disagreements, you are still your spouse's best friend.

• Make the right gestures

A light touch on the hand, a smile every now and then, even if forced, can work wonders to lighten the mood. And it isn't as hard as you think. It's just a matter of being aware of your gestures and words as you speak. Drop your ego for that milisecond and just do it!

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